Serially Lost: Part Two

writing-101

 

Day Thirteen: Serially Found

On day four, you wrote a post about losing something. Today’s Prompt: write about finding something.

Tell us about the time you retrieved your favorite t-shirt from your ex. Or when you accidentally stumbled upon your fifth-grade journal in your parents’ attic. Or how about the moment you found out the truth about a person whose history or real nature you thought you’d figured out. Interpret this theme of “finding something” however you see fit.

Today’s twist: if you wrote day four’s post as the first in a series, use this one as the second installment — loosely defined.

Depending on which side of the fence you stand, breaking up a relationship can be a curse or a blessing. A loss or a gain.

Marrying a college sweetheart seems romantic and ideal. The wedding gifts’ list doesn’t include a mirror, though, to reflect the ‘reality show’ that constitutes a shared life. But the mirror is there, nevertheless, scanning each other’s actions, and offering instant images of a reality you didn’t see before.

You get to know people better, and more intimately, the moment you put two toothbrushes in the same bedroom. Love strength is measured in funny ways. You don’t pay attention or don’t bother about ‘what-does-not-look-like-what-you-would-normally-do’, if you really love someone. You significant one will not become insignificant, because of the strange way he brushes his teeth. And if he does…well, what was that for love?

I said before in this post, that I went through life changing events. My divorce was one of them.

At my last year of the university, and during a weekend trip, I met a guy I fell in love with. There was reciprocity and we started a relationship. At least for one full year we lived in the same city. That changed when I moved to follow post graduation studies. He was running behind with his engineering course, whilst I was going at full speed ahead with my studies.

Eventually he moved to another university as well, but we were still 1000km apart. This was before the Internet, so our communication was mostly by phone and post letters. We would also get together during holidays.

He graduated, started working, and we continued our long-distance relationship. I gradually (and half-consciously) noticed though, that we were developing as young adults and professionals, in totally different directions. I put this acknowledgement under the carpet for a while, until I met someone who interested me more than I had expected. I broke up the relationship with mixed feelings, as I loved him, in a lukewarm way though; but I am a risk taker.

This was what I call, a ‘bridge-relationship’, those you need to get courage to leave a situation you knew you couldn’t keep any longer but had no guts to do so. Somehow, we become infatuated with the idea of ‘hosting butterflies on your stomach’ again, whilst not really being in love with the new person. You are in love with the possibility of change, and that confuses you.

You gathered by now that he was a bridge, right? And one that didn’t stand tall for long. Eventually, I surrendered to my doubts and gave a try again to my former lukewarm love. By then I thought that love is not passion, and the latter is hot and vibrant, although ephemeral.

He moved to the city where I lived back then, and that has brought us closer again. We had many affinities and were the best friends too. We decided to live together. I admit that when taking this decision, I would have liked to feel the butterflies flying in my stomach. My rationality ignored this warning sign!

In the second year of our marriage, my career was running as fast as a supersonic plane, and brought a lot of stress with it. His career was more at a turtle’s pace. I was flying out of the country on a weekly basis, and we didn’t see each other very often. And when we did, I was invariably exhausted and packing again to leave soon.

Remember the toothbrush? Well, It wasn’t the toothbrush but anything he would say or do that would irritate me. Even the (unheard) noise of food going down his throat. I was battling with myself, consumed by doubts, and trying to rescue the love which was no more. Unsuccessfully. Sadly. Perhaps without conviction.

He was and is, one of the best human beings I have ever met. He didn’t deserve to be unhappy. He had plans of having kids, and of a long lasting happy life, together. I no longer wanted to be part of this plan and I couldn’t hide that from him anymore. I broke up. Lost my best friend. And married my career.

I remember that day vividly. It was one of the saddest days of my life. I was bidding farewell to a part of my life which had been wonderful nevertheless, and shared with someone I still loved, even though not as my life companion and soul-mate.

Was I arrogant and selfish to not invest in our relationship anymore? He thought so, although much later after our separation. I accept that, and also his anger and resentment, which fortunately later has been replaced by a good relationship.

The challenge is to believe that you could fix what was already broken. There is no quick fix for true love. You cannot order your heart to love someone.

We both lost. Different types of losses though. And we both gained, as we grew up from that experience. Losses always have a way out, a new horizon. And it is up to us to allow ourselves to jump in uncertainty and look for a new path.

Renewal is the needed order. It takes some time to accept it, but that is the intrinsic and inescapable truth of any loss.

Didn’t I say before that you may even reinvent yourself? Losses feel painful but they are no match for the exhilaration of finding yourself again. And how about finding your soul-mate?

To be continued.

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Sharing sights & insights captured with diverse angles. Ex-corporate slave, now my own boss. Cycling, hiking, cooking, reading, yoga, writing and photography, are no longer only hobbies listed on my resume. It's what I do, when I want.

32 thoughts on “Serially Lost: Part Two

  1. Wow. Very insightful. Very revealing. Very well done!! But you made me start thinking about some past loves. And remember some sad moments. And some good ones, too. So thanks for that. I think.

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        1. Well, burying is just a word. We can never really bury the past. To keep them alive by entertaining them and letting them sit in our living room, is the issue. They can be there in the house, but somewhere out of sight. The mantra helps. You are doing the right thing already.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m really amazed when college sweethearts stay together – those first years of career and real life are when you finally work out who you are and what you want – it will be rare that you both want the same things. Thanks for sharing – it reminded me of what I gained when I finally broke up with my college boyfriend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for dropping by and commenting. I’m grateful for that and your insightful comment.
      You’re absolutely right. That’s how it felt at that age.
      I’m happy this post confirmed you gained more when taking that decision.
      Cheers!

      Like

  3. Wow, yes, this get me remembering also. I have been divorced and now remarried to my soul mate and best friend. It is quite a journey of self-discovery when you realize this person is not for you, that you are in two directions in life. Thank you for sharing some of your story, Lucile 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. We met at the very beginning of my studies, went through a long-distance relationship, married and moved together after we finished universites and found jobs. This post made me remember all our ups and downs and the happiness we share now. Thank you! And once again, I love your pictures! 🙂

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  5. Thank you for sharing, Lucile. Indeed very insightful. As a twenty-something who has a lot of thoughts and feelings about what love is (I think about it quite often), I appreciated this post.

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      1. Oh, you have not discouraged me at all. I’m in a position where I see so many people around me getting engaged and married state my age (I’m 22) while I’m quite single and have not thoughts of marriage in sight. Even though I don’t even want to be married now, I wont deny that it’s hard to watch so many people I know who seem so happy with their engagements/marriages while I still find myself wondering when/if I’ll ever find that. I appreciated reading your perspective as someone who is older and is speaking from experience; it was a reminder to me that maybe it’s okay–and for the best–that I haven’t found “the one” yet. 🙂

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        1. I’m happy to hear!
          I can imagine there is a bit of peer pressure around you.
          You’re really very young and at this age, there is so much still to discover!
          Perhaps it will feel less hard on you if you think that they won’t have the same opportunity you have now, to experience more than what they will be able to do.
          Marriage brings a different lifestyle with it, and those who marry too young, just skip one of the richest phases of life, going straight into building a family. Sometimes not being even mature enough to raise kids.
          As to finding love…don’t wonder if you’ll find, think that you will!
          There isn’t an age to find the one.
          When it happens you’ll feel.
          I particularly think, after living in a few countries, that men in general are much more immature than women, in their early twenties. Some take longer to mature even through the thirties…;-)
          So, it’s better to find love when they are a bit older. Lol
          Just relax, and try to look at the glass half full. You’re better off being single now!! Enjoy your youth!!
          Hugs.

          Liked by 1 person

      2. That’s what I try to remind myself of in those moments when I feel down about my single single. I still have a lot of learning to do on my own and I also have some exciting things lining up for the future…things I wouldn’t be able to do if I was engaged/married right now. Thanks for your encouragement, Lucile!

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        1. Thank you, Britta, for sharing your thoughts with me. I’m honored with the trust.
          That’s the way to think. Keep like that and you’ll be fine. And count on me whenever you want to share some thoughts.. Cheers!!

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  6. I love the honesty in this post Lucile. Personally, I think that you were unselfish to let him go so he could move onto the relationship he wanted. It would have been selfish to live a lie for years and keep him from other opportunities.

    Looking forward to the next part.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Lisa. It is easier to talk openly about situations that I made peace with. I agree with you and that was the primary motivator for my decision. But you know, the receiver has a different perception.
      Makes me happy to know that you are reading and enjoying it. Thanks.

      Liked by 1 person

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