Day Four: Serially Lost
Today’s Prompt: Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more.
Today’s twist: Make today’s post the first in a three-post series.
I knew loss existed… but arrogantly believed that it would not happen to me.
I saw the possibility of loss… My risk taking and fearless spirit guided me ahead at full steam.
I smelt loss…My pride told me there was no trade-off.
I touched loss… My anger washed me right to the center of it.
I felt loss… Loss arrived and penetrated every inch of my existence.
Arrogance saw it happening in front of my eyes.
Risk taking became fear and paralyzed me.
Pride was replaced by insecurity and doubts on my self-worth.
Anger was taken over by disempowerment and humiliation took me over.
I felt the ground disappear. Certainty left me alone. Identity was no more. Purpose was gone. Shame covered me from head to toes. Bitterness was the only taste.
I had no intention to write today about the experience of losing someone or something. I have been there. I have seen it. I have done it to others and others have done it to me.
They are not more difficult, more tragic, sad, or worse losses than what other people experienced. If I put it into perspective, I have seen people go through much worse situations that the ones I have.
I have lost many valuable things and a few people in life. I felt bad about it, suffered, learnt more about others and myself and moved on. Then something more happened and I have gone through them in different stages of my life.
I divorced. I lost a job. I lost a brother to cancer.
These three losses though, have been fundamental life-changing experiences, which triggered an in-depth personal transformation process, which largely provided the ingredients to compose the colors and texture of the fabric I am made of.
I will not go into details describing what, how, when, why, these events happened. Not because I can’t. Not because it still hurts. It is because I learnt that sharing tough personal experiences is more difficult to those who want to hear (or not) than to those who talk about it.
Those who had loss once impregnated in each pore of the body know well its bitter taste as well as the smell of death. We may not want to resurrect it.
There was a time I wanted to share it with everyone, because I needed love and support, a warm shoulder, a safe harbor. I have had it all and that’s why I am here to tell my story.
There was a time that I wanted to softly remember and even laugh about it. I passed through the storm and the eye of my hurricanes-losses. I can talk about that with peace in my heart. No fear, no shame.
Recounting these stories now would only serve the purpose of sharing lessons learned, which may, or not, help others in the same situation.
I will leave you with one strong believe though. I will lose again. It is a normal part of life.
We suffer more because we grow up believing that life is perfect and we spend time and effort striving to find perfection. We cannot lose anything or we feel like the world ended.
This is an illusion. We are born, we grow up, and we die. All. of. us. No exception. No VIP treatment. No perks.
We may or not be born healthy. We will get a light or serious disease. No escape.
We will have friends. Or not. We will fall in love. We will not love anymore. We will be dumped. We will dump others. We will break up. We will love again. We will date. We will marry. Or not. We will divorce. And the world continues its course as ever.
We will go to School. Maybe even to the University. We may be an artist instead of having a mainstream job. We will have a profession. We will have jobs. We will lose jobs. And we will restart again.
We will have a family. Or not. We will have a house. We will travel. Or maybe not. We may have money. Or maybe not.
This list can go endlessly. I just wanted to tell you that loss is ok. Loss is part and parcel of our very existence. Acceptance is the only compass to find our way out of loss.
Once you have gone through it, saw it in the eye, and faced it, you accept it. And only then you can recover and find yourself again.
You may even reinvent yourself.
But I have not forgotten to share the lessons…to be continued.