If I Could Get Rid of One Worry

If I could permanently get rid of one worry what would that be? That’s today’s NaBloPoMo prompt.

I’m reluctant to write about this because it may get too personal but hey, I signed up for this, and let’s be brave.

There are a few things that I could put on a list of worries, and the first one is almost a cliché – although truthful – that I worry too much, and take things too seriously. I’m not unhappy about that, as it is part of what defines me, as someone who cares about others, myself and the consequences of my actions. Do I want to get rid of this? Not.

For each negative there is an accompanying plus, just like positive and negative atoms need and complement each other.

There is one extreme worry, though, that bothers me and I would like to change that.

Living abroad has its pros and cons. I’m someone, who feels at home when discovering and exploring new places. Living in different countries has given me the most incredible experiences and lessons. I wouldn’t change one bit of my journey so far. This is the positive side of it.

However, the flip-side is that my journey to other countries, brought me away from my family. It’s the high price I pay. This has never really bothered much, as I have cultivated the habit to visit my parents, brothers and sisters at least twice a year.

Then two things happened in 2012 that changed my mind. A younger brother died in March, after battling cancer for 4 years. And in May, my husband had a serious motorbike accident, breaking 3 vertebrae in his neck, while I was away on a trip to France.

Since then, I worry about losing my beloved ones.

If I could, I wouldn’t ever again feel the pain of loss. It is silent. It is cold. it is deaf. It is colorless. It is empty. it is heavy.

I grieved and came back. With a different perspective. Stronger. And my life took a new course with a new voice, color, warmth, weight and purpose.

Still, when my beloved ones (husband, stepdaughter, anyone in my family or circle of friends) travel or have an illness, I feel again that cold flow of emotions going through my body. I recognize it, I dread it;  it is the unwelcome, old and tried, fear of loss.

“You have to die a few times before you can really
live.”
Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last

31 thoughts on “If I Could Get Rid of One Worry

  1. Thank you for posting this inner thought of yours… It is so real to worry about a loved one especially with miles in between when traveling or living abroad.. You’re a strong person though, both inside and out! ( I haven’t met you but I’m sure of this! )

  2. Thank you so much for opening up and sharing. If I could get rid of one worry, it would be financial… the only negative of my sudden career change. If my bills could surely be covered every month, that would be such a weight off of my shoulders.

    • Thank you for being equally open. I think most people have the same worry but don’t have your courage to voice it. Who has an absurd amount of it is afraid to lose it, and keeps focusing on making much more instead of spending it. And those who like the rest of us, who realistically worry about paying our bills and making enough to give us choices in life; as opposed to becoming enslaved by it.
      Thanks!

  3. And loss is part of life. It’s so painful, isn’t it? I have sobbed at the thought of a family member dying. I felt the same when our beloved cat was put down due to cancer. In nature, I know life and death are normal but somehow want to separate me from nature, despite also being a full member. 🙂 But pain makes life real and felt.

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